


Lead Me Out Of The Dark

by phan_taloon



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band), All Time Low (Band), Fall Out Boy, Halsey (Musician), My Chemical Romance, Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots, Waterparks (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Anxiety Disorder, Broken Families, Child Abuse, Depression, Eating Disorders, F/F, Fluff, Gender Dysphoria, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Rape, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, just a mess in general
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-24
Updated: 2018-07-29
Packaged: 2019-01-18 17:13:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12392487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phan_taloon/pseuds/phan_taloon
Summary: “I can help you,” said a soft, soothing voice, not at all familiar, that reminded him of the colorful honey-scented flowers, “all you need to do is hold on. Don't fall, don't let them take you. It's easy okay? Just don't let go.”Highschool AU no one asked for but I'm a sucker for them.Title comes from the song of the same name by Crown The Empire.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hello I've uploaded this, basically a new story that I really want to work on and try new things on, and I really hope you all like it as much as I do because I haven't slept to write this ❤

Chapter 1: Prologue

 

_I'm lost,_

_please help me find my place._

_You're the only one,_

_please lead me out of the dark._

**_Lead Me Out Of The Dark,_ Crown The Empire**

 

He couldn't stop running. He felt lik he'd been running forever, but he was moving too _slow. Whywashemovingsoslow._ The darkness was everywhere, like thick mist made of all evil in life and death combined. He couldn't see anything but the darkness, faint outlines of _creatures_ he couldn't identify in between the, oh, so dark mist. Something wet was running down his face, his body, all the way to his feet, but what was so wet he couldn't identify. Everything was blurring together, he could barely see his hands, covered in darkness too, in front of him. He felt _desperation and terror_ , coming from everywhere around him. The darkness just seemed to become more menacing and dangerous every second, coming closer and closer. But every second seemed to last ten thousand years, _ten thousand years full of terror and panic._ He couldn't even breathe anymore, the darkness sucking the air from his lungs leaving him without any oxygen _any life._ The darkness seemed to settle, get even thicker, as if it knew in less than a second he would be completely overtaken. When he thought it was finally ending and he almost felt relieved, fear, pain, anxiety, despair and exhaustion hit him all at once. And before the darkness completely enveloped him as if it was protecting him, he saw a pair of glowing red eyes full of _malice, hate and dread_ flashed before him, accompanied by a smile so bright and evil, he knew he would remember it forever. Darkness embraced him and clouded his vision.

Everything had changed, and he was standing in a beautiful hill, completely covered in small flowers of all colors, whose honey-like scent filled him with tranquility and serenity. The twilight sunlight was warm and made his skin tingle with joy. The sky was cloudless, streams of hot pink, sparkling purple and bright orange dancing and intertwining along the entirety of it. He couldn't help but feel safe, and enjoy finally being able to feel happy and calm. He smiled, brighter and bigger than he had in years, and tears welled up in his eyes. For once, he didn't feel afraid of letting the tears leave his chocolate eyes and roll freely down his flushed cheeks. He laughed then, genuinely for once, enjoying the mere sight of the colorful life that surrounded him. He couldn't believe life had become so truly happy after all of his pain. _It was almost too good to be true._

Of course it was too good to be true. Because just like that, in the blink of an eye, the sun went down, and everything was wrapped in bitter ice. The flowers were absolutely dried, lifeless and colorless. The sky was starless, cloudy and dark, now thick streams of pitch black and ocean blue created senseless chaos. The fear and melancholy returned feeling his heart with horror and desperation. He crumbled to the freezing ground then, and let sobs and screams wreck his body. Life seemed pointless now. _Why try when it always came back to depression and anxiety?_ He could only stare at the lifeless soil, puffy, chocolate eyes full of hurt and loss, and dark bags under them. Everything had become blue-black for him.

 _What is the purpose of trying anymore? What stops me from ending it?_ He felt so scared, so anxious, so sad, so lost, but above all, he felt so _tired._ Someone sat next to him suddenly. He was too tired to even look at them, too tired of living, trying and failing. He was tired of everything.

“I can help you,” said a soft, soothing voice, not at all familiar, that reminded him of the colorful honey-scented flowers, “all you need to do is hold on. Don't fall, don't let them take you. It's easy okay? Just don't let go.”

The thick darkness had re-appeared, and it was coming faster than before, full of dread and terror, spreading it like a disease. He felt scared once again, but he was still too tired to care about the tears of fear falling down his face. All he could do was stare at the darkness approaching in anguish. He knew this was the end, and his breath was cut short once again. He knew he would be gone in only a few instants, but he realized he wouldn't meet his soothing voice again, he felt desperation. He noticed the darkness was almost upon him and he looked at the owner of the honey-scented voice, just as the mist of sorrow seized him, only able to see a patch of soft pink before he was taken.

 

~~~

 

Tyler woke up with a start. His mind was blank, like it usually was after a nightmare, as he rarely remembered details about his dreams. First, he noticed slight pain but dismissed it when he recognized the areas that hurt. Then, he recognized the slight sting of fresh cuts on his forearms, but dismissed it because it was irrelevant. Next, he noticed the feeling of despair and utter fear he had, and realized he had had a nightmare. Finally, he let two random thoughts on his mind, even if he had no idea what they meant.

The first thought was a phrase: “Just don't let go”. He didn't know where it had even come from, but he couldn't let the thought go away, or let it go ironically, because it seemed too important.

The second thought was weird and made no sense at all, because it wasn't even a full idea, but two words: “Cotton candy”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I edited this, please note this is my first time writing this type of fanfic and actually wanting to write quality content. I'll try to post as soon as I can, but I am quite busy with school stuff and piano stuff, so I will do everything I can to post as often as possible. I hope you all like this, and are ready for this long journey with me. Some of the experiences mentioned in future chapters have been based on experiences that I have been through, or my friends or I'm simply making up. I'll try to make this fic and it's experiences as close to real life as possible, and some angst will go hand in hand with reality, as life is no unicorns and rainbows, even when you have close friends and a romantic/sexual partner. Anyway, I hope to see you soon with a new chapter!!


	2. Start Your Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title from Before You Start Your Day my twenty one pilots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if there's typos or mistakes of any kind, even when I edit the chapters I always not notice some mistakes.
> 
> Trigger Warnings: mild violence, abuse, anxiety, mentions of self harm, suicidal thoughts, hints of sexual abuse.

_It's hard to be brave_

_when you're alone in the dark_

**_Nightmares_ , All Time Low**

_Disclaimer:_ Most of this comes from my head, based on things I've read on other stories, and things that I or someone I know have experienced.

 

**Chapter 2:**

“Get your lazy ass up Tyler, you'll be late for school and I won't fucking drive you.”

 _Why can't I just disappear?_ was Tyler's first thought of the day. He hadn't been able to fall asleep after he woke up from what he assumed was another nightmare. But he had laid immobile, hoping and praying to the God he was a hard time believing existed that the pain would just go away. But the pain didn't go away. And his mind didn't stay quiet.

He laid there for hours, wondering what awful crime he committed to be punished this severely. All he did was born, it wasn't his fault he was born into a conflicted family. _No,_ he thought, _this man is not my family. My family is back in Columbus, with Mom, Maddie and Zack._ He just kept wondering why he had to be punished for being born when everyone else was born too. _Is my crime living?_ But he that wasn't it. If it was about crimes, then his dad would be getting punished too, after all he was the one who sexually abused his son.

 _Why can't I just disappear?_ he wondered before finally getting up and ready for school. 

He entered the bathroom, staring at his reflection in the mirror. He had purple marks on his neck, just as dark as the bags under his broken brown eyes. He discovered more marks and bites when he took off his pajamas, and suppressed his sobs as the feeling of worthlessness and disgust settled in. He entered the shower, turning on the water as hot as it could get.

This was the pain he liked, the pain he caused and had control over. He let the water burn his skin, and wash the dirt off his body. He scrubbed hardly at his inner thighs, covered in dried blood and bruises. He felt so _used_ and so _dirty,_ he just wanted to disappear. He let the water fall on his arms, making the already stinging cuts much more painful. He watched as the water carried away everything - the blood, the pain, the tears.

When he decides it was enough -not nearly-, he headed to his room, were he carefully dried himself with the towel. He then went to open his closet filled with an odd mixture of styles: from grunge, dark clothes, to light, pastel clothes. He chose a maroon jumper, in case his cuts bled, and the usual black skinny jeans. He then applied a little concealer to his neck, just in case someone decided to notice him, before picking his red beanie and school bag from the floor and going out of his room, down the stairs.

He contemplated whether or not to let his father know he was leaving or not. There was the possibility that his father would try to leave more visible marks on him, so he settled for the latter action. He simply hoped he would not regret it later. He heard his father in the kitchen and saw that he had his back to him, so he took his chance and walked to the door.

“What? Are you just going to walk out without saying goodbye to your old man?”

Tyler cursed under his breath. He knew it was a mistake but he couldn't do anything now. He retreated back to the kitchen as the possibilities of what could happen ran through his mind. _He's going to hurt you more. How could you be so stupid. You're stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid._

“I'm sorry s-sir,” he stuttered out weakly, as his father walked to him menacingly, “I just didn't want to, um, bother you, I-I just thought you were busy and I, uh, didn't want to interrupt you.”

“You think that pathetic excuse is enough, boy?” He burst out laughing and advanced towards Tyler, until the latter had his back against the wall, with his father's body pressed firmly against his own and his eyes closed shut. His father pressed his mouth to his ear and his voice dropped to a whisper. “If it weren't for the fact that you have to school today, I would already be pounding into you so hard you wouldn't be able to walk for a week, boy.” He pulled away from Tyler, leaving the boy trembling, eyes still glued shut. “Now, go, before I change my mind.”

“Yes, sir,” Tyler said hurriedly before running out of this hell people expected him to call home.

 

He kept running and running, until he was sure his hell was far away from him. His legs were hurting, but walking had already hurt anyway. When he slowed down his pace, he had time to look around. The cold November weather was chilling, and the skies were gray with clouds, tinting the world with a faint white color and somber feeling, unlike the usual sunny and hyper feeling back in Ohio. As he looked to the houses though, something clicked in his head,he had no remote idea of where he was.

This town was still all new to him, as he had only been here for a couple weeks, and he had figured out a different route to school that would only take him 15 minutes. Of course that was not going to work now, as he was in the middle of a neighborhood he had never seen before. Somewhere in his reckless running, he had taken a wrong turn, perhaps several, and he was absolutely lost.

 _Great. This day is just great._ He walked back a couple blocks, attempting and failing to recognize where he was. He would be lying if he said he wasn't scared. Of course he was scared. He was lost, with every step he took, he felt more lost, and in more ways than one. 

_The school will notice I'm not there, they will call my father, and he will be, oh, so mad. He will be furious. He will do bad things, so many bad things. He will hurt me. He will hurt me. He will be furious and he will hurt me so much. He will hurt me. Hewillhurtme._

His thoughts were a blurred mess, his head going a hundred miles a beat, as panic began to settle in his heart. His vision was getting blurry with tears, but everything seemed frozen, as if someone decided to stop time. His breathing was becoming ragged and short, and only a little oxygen was getting past his nose. There was nothing he could do, and there was no one to help. He was so alone, and he couldn't breathe. He couldn't breathe. Hecouldn’tbreathe.

“Hey, are you okay, dude?” He heard an unknown voice say, and was immediately thrown into deeper panic. He desperately searched for the owner of the voice, but couldn't see due to the tears blurring everything.

“Please, don't hurt me,” Tyler says in a voice below a whisper with tears running freely down his cheeks, “I've done nothing, please just please don't hurt me.”

“Hey, sh, calm down, it's okay, I'm not going to hurt you, I promise I'm not going to hurt you. Sh, come on, it's okay, just take deep breaths through your nose, I'm not going to hurt you. Come on, breathe with me. In… out…” The voice was soothing, and for some reason Tyler found himself trusting the mysterious boy helping him. The boy guided him to a bench nearby and sat Tyler down. He couldn't look at him though, he felt so ashamed about himself. _Who has a breakdown in the middle of the street?_ It took him more than a couple minutes and directions from the other boy to calm down, but soon his breathing was back to normal. He was exhausted, however.

“How are you feeling?” the boy asked him, sitting down next to Tyler. Shame still coursed through his body, and in an attempt to hide that feeling, he looked down at his lap and bit his lip, pulling the sleeves of his jumper farther down his hands. “Hey, dude, it's okay, panic attacks are nothing to be ashamed for, I've had my fair share of them as well, although my boyfriend has been there to help me through a lot of them.”

He looks up then, surprised that maybe this mysterious boy has felt like him. The first thing he registered were his gentle yet strong chocolate eyes. Then he realized all of his features radiated that same gentle vibe. Not that he had soft or more feminine features, he was like a tiny sun radiating safety and positivity. He had strong and bushy eyebrows, that matched with his long and messy brown hair, some strands standing in several directions. His smile was definitely the most warming thing about him though and he felt insecure of the feeling of security that the boy brought. Still he couldn't look at his eyes, because he knew he looked like a mess, especially next to the boy.

“Thank you for helping me,” he croaked out, voice raspy from crying, “and I'm sorry you've had to go through this, too.”

“Ah, you don't need to thank me, I know how hard panic attacks are, but like I said, my boyfriend helps me through them.” He said, still with that damn smile.

“I'm glad you've got someone to support you.” Tyler said, actually meaning it, as he wouldn't wish anxiety on anyone, much less someone who just helped him.

“Hey, um, I know it's not really my business, and we just met but, would you like to talk about what happened?” The boy asked softly, and Tyler could guess he was anxious.

“I'm sorry, it's just, I uh, I just moved here from Ohio, and I still don't know my way around here, and I'm supposed to get to school, but I got lost, and I just got scared,” his voice got lower with every words he said, “I'm sorry.”

“Hey, it's okay there nothing to be sorry about, but maybe I could help you, which school are you attending?”

“I, um, I'm going to White Crown High School, but I'd rather not be a bother-”

“Oh, would you look at that, we go to the same high school, so no worries, we'll get you there.”

“But um, really I don't want to bother-”

“Please, you aren't bothering me, it's literally the same school, you don't have to worry about it.”

“Are you-”

“Yes, I'm sure, you don't have to worry about it anymore. My boyfriend always comes pick me up in around five minutes from now, we'll get you there.”

Tyler had not felt so much gratitude towards someone in so long, that it felt odd to be thankful. But he was thankful, to this boy whose name he didn't even know, and who showed him not everyone in this horrible world is horrible.

“But you don't even know me…” he whispered to him, not quite believing someone could be so kind.

“Oh, fuck,” the boy had taken out his phone and texted someone, but he stood up now (he was at least two inches taller than Tyler), and extended his hand, “I'm Alex Gaskarth, I'm 17, a junior at White Crown High , and in a band with my boyfriend and best friends where I play guitar and do lead vocals.”

It took Tyler a minute, but he followed what the boy, Alex, did, and shook his hand.

“I'm Tyler Joseph, I'm 16, sophomore at White Crown High, I guess, um, I don't really have any friends to form a band with, but I've written a couple songs, and uh, I kinda play the piano, ukulele and bass.”

 

“It's nice to meet you, Tyler.”

“It's nice to meet you too, Alex.”

 

“By the way, don't say you don't have friends anymore, because I really fucking like you, and I really want to be your friend.”

Tyler was pretty sure he would have cried if he hadn't run out of tears a couple minutes ago.

“Thank you Alex, for everything, I really mean it.”

“Ah, there's no need to thank me, Ty- can I call you Ty?”

“Yeah, of course.” The shorter boy answered with a genuine smile, which Alex returned.

“Now come on, Jack waits for me in the across the street.” Both of them picked up their bags.

“Can I ask you something?” Tyler asked, and Alex hummed as they crossed the street. “How did you notice me panicking out here?”

“Oh, I live in the house over there-” he pointed to a light green, two story house, “-and I noticed you were looking rather… lost, so I decided to come help you.”

“You're the nicest person I've ever met.”

“Yeah, wait ‘til you meet Jack and the others.”

“Jack is your boyfriend? Others?”

“Yes, he's your friend too now, and I'm pretty sure you'll get along well with our strange, not so little group.”

A black pick up truck, turned the corner, and Alex immediately smiled, beaming with excitement. The truck pulled up in front of them, and the driver rolled down the window, revealing a quite punk-looking dude, with a thin face, and black hair standing messily in all directions, quite similar to his boyfriend's, as if they'd gone to the barbershop and asked for the same haircut. He had warm eyes too, and smiled at them. Alex went to him and pecked him in the lips, whispering something to him.

“Hey babe,” who he assumed was Jack told Alex, before turning to him, “ah, you must be Tyler, I'm Jack, it's nice to meet you.”

“It's nice to meet you too, Jack.”

“Now come on, idiots, get in the truck before we're late to school.”

Alex went around the truck to climb into the passenger seat, while Tyler nervously climbed in the backseat. Jack and Alex were joking about something, perhaps some inside joke, while he just smiled in silence, thanking God for not making every person a horrible one, and for once anxious, but looking forward to be at school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo I'm starting school tomorrow, and chapters will take longer to come. I know I'm not the best writer, but I would really appreciate it if you guys commented whether you like what's going on or not :)
> 
> Little insight on me, I'm a 16 year old Latina demigirl and bisexual, absolute trash for many artists, and nerd. You can find me on Instagram and Twitter under the same username @phan_taloon, or in Tumblr @phan-taloon. My DMs are always open.


	3. Afraid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title from "Afraid" by The Neighbourhood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been very long hasn't it :) life's been difficult and busy, and everything has been turning sour as fuck. Here's a new chapter, I really hope you enjoy it.
> 
> Trigger warnings for anxiety, panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, harming thoughts in general, implied bullying.

_Without a breath,_

_I tripped and fell over_ _the edge of the world._

**_Empty Cage_ , Moonfall**

 

**Chapter 3:**

 

The car ride to school was nothing like what Tyler expected. He expected awkward silences, uncomfortable conversations and suspicious glances at him, all mixed with anger because he was such an inconvenience. But Jack and Alex did nothing of that.

He quickly found out that the couple was incredibly outgoing and chill, being lovey dovey but in a subtle way, as if they were used to hiding their relationship. He was immediately charmed by both guys but he knew he couldn't really get close to them, even if Alex saw him having a panic attack and helped him through it. He couldn't trust anyone, and he couldn't burden even more people with his pathetic existence. He could perhaps talk to them, especially Alex, from time to time but he couldn't really trust them and tell them about himself. Which was just what they were trying to do at the moment.

“So, Tyler, what brings you to this small town in the middle of nowhere of Indiana?” said Jack looking at him through the rearview mirror. He immediately thought he had to be careful with what he said.

“Well, my parents had some issues, they got divorced, and my dad gained custody of me, while my mom got my siblings.” he said. _Yeah that's not too much info about me._

“Aw man, I'm sorry about that. I don't know what I'd do without my siblings.” Jack said glancing nervously at Alex, who was now looking out the window with a grim face, unlike anything he'd been before. Tyler immediately felt obliged to comfort the boy, because somehow the thought of Alex - happy and cheerful Alex - being upset made him upset too.

**_Idiot, you were not supposed to get attached to them, either of them. How fucking clingy are you? Someone smiles at you and you're already at their side like their fucking dog? How pathetic._**

He knew the voice was right. He was pathetic, so annoyingly needy, that someone barely helps him one time and he was already attached to them? How truly desperate was he? He cursed at himself and somehow found himself itching for the release of a blade. He didn't have one with himself, so he settled with scratching the cuts on his forearm he made last night, not too soft but not too hard so they bled either. _What a great first day of school, wow._

Thankfully enough, Jack and Alex had settled for small talk after asking about why he'd moved here, asking more about what he was into.

“So Ty,” Alex said turning around to look at him, “you said you play the piano, bass and ukulele right?”

“Yeah, but I wouldn't say I play good…” he mumbled, actually meaning what he was saying, not being modest, as many people guessed he was.

“Bullshit, I bet you're great at it, dude!” Jack replied loudly, “most of us play some kind of instrument, but I don't think anyone plays the ukulele, like we all hope to one day be musicians and stuff, except for Jenna, but she's supportive of us.”

 _What the fuck do you mean_ most of us _? Who the fuck is the_ rest of us _? Oh God, how many of_ us _are there? I didn't sign up for this!_

Whether or not the anxiety was obvious on his face, Alex turned to look at him, with worry on his eyes, as if he was scared of how Tyler would react to hearing about there being many more of them. He tried to keep himself collected, even if his insides were churning at the thought of having to meet and socialize with many more people. After seeing him have a panic attack earlier, Alex must have guessed he got easily anxious, and decided to speak on the matter.

“Right so before you freak out even more, Jack is saying _us_ to refer to our group of friend” Alex started, nervously running a hand through his hair. “Uh, there's a lot of us, and we all, um, how do I say this? We all have particular characteristics? No, um, we- we-”

“We're all somehow outcasts,” interrupted Jack, giving Alex a shy smile and pecking him on the cheek, “we're different in different ways so other kids tend not to want to be with us, so one day Alex was helping two girls who were being picked on for being together, and somehow from that moment, we ended up creating our own group of unaccepted and misunderstood kids. Whether it's because of sexual orientation, gender identity or just the nature of not exactly fitting in, we've all come together.”

“There's a lot of us though,” said Alex, gaining confidence to speak again, “and I'm guessing you kinda have anxiety?-” Tyler nodded slowly “-Um, I don't know if you actually want to hang out with us, like you can get picked on for hanging out with us, so it's completely alright if after today you just want nothing to do with us-

“I do, I want to stay with you,” Tyler muttered softly, “I really want to stay with you, and get to know you. You're my friends?”

Alex smiled immediately, that warmth-radiating grin that made him feel safe, and Tyler could see Jack smiling at him through the rear view mirror. He felt safe, and accepted, even if he was just told he was going to be hanging out with others who were not accepted. He felt the anxiety then, and a question was burning his mind. _How many kids are there? How many kids do I have to meet?_

“Alright Ty, school’s around the corner so just some stuff, ” started Jack, taking a deep breath, “I'm sure you're alright with people being gay as fuck, and that's great because there's a lot of that. Um, I also hope you're okay with not being gender binary, or transgender, because there's also some of that. But basically if I had to describe our beautiful group it would be gay and depressed. Oh yeah, many of us have some sort of mental illness, or we're just not mentally stable, but hey at least we're accepting of everything.”

Tyler felt the flow of anxiety die out with a wave of relief. _I'm not going to be alone_ . He didn't mind if people were gay, he didn't mind if people were non binary, he didn't mind that people were mentally ill. In fact, he felt better about meeting the group by knowing that. _I'm not going to be alone._ Then the truck came to a stop.

“Alright we're here,” Alex said with a sigh as Jack laughed and jumped out of the truck, “Okay, um, are you okay? I know our group can be overwhelming at times, especially if you have anxiety, but I promise we're cool once you get to know us, although some of them may take time to trust you because of what they've been through but they're gonna be cool too-”

“Hey, breathe Alex, I'm gonna be okay, I'm sure they're as nice as you are, so I'm gonna get along with them just right. For now just focus on breathing and don't worry about me alright, I'll be okay.” Tyler said with the softest and warmest voice he could muster. He promised himself he wouldn't get attached to them, and here he was becoming very attached to Alex in particular. The latter took a deep breath then.

“I'm sorry, I have general anxiety disorder, and moments like this just happen.” Alex said with sad smile, and Tyler wished there was something he could do to erase the sadness and put a real smile there. _Why am I becoming this attached to him, Goddammit._

“Don't worry, I have it too.” He said before Jack proceeded to open the door to Alex’s side, making Alex smile truly, and Tyler could see the genuine love Alex had for Jack, reflected equally on Jack's face.  Jack helped Alex down while Tyler got out himself, and he stared at the school.

It was nothing special really, it was a three-story high building, painted a light brown, with big doors on the front. He could see an outdoors basketball court from where he stood, to the left of the main building, and immediately smiled, remembering Zack. He truly missed his brothers and sister. To the right of the main building was a smaller building, only one-story high, that could have been anything so he decided not to guess.

“C’mon let's go to the library, that's where we meet every morning.” Jack said enthusiastically, grabbing Alex’s hand and smiling at him. As they walked to the front doors, Tyler could see students glancing with disgust and curiosity at them. Disgust at Alex and Jack holding hands, curiosity at seeing him, the new kid who was hanging out with the outcasts. He wanted to ignore the glances but found it very difficult, so he decided to just stare at the building in front of him. _White Crown High School_ was written above the main entrance and below it was the image of the mascot, an-

“The mascot is a fucking anteater?” he burst out of nowhere, immediately cursing at himself for being so direct. Jack burst out laughing though, and Alex started laughing a little more quietly.

“Yeah, we all think it's stupid as shit, but there's nothing we can do but laugh at it,” said Alex in between laughs. They remained quiet after that.

They entered the school, and the hallways were typically crowded, making his anxiety flare up. Thankfully the way to the library was much less deserted, as it seems not many students wanted to be reading this early in the morning.

 **_Aw little Tyler is finally able to overcome his pathetic self and be normal for once. Try pretending you're normal once you meet_ ** **all** **_of them. They will all think you're a_ ** **freak** **_, a miserable piece of shit, because that's all you are, a useless, worthless_ ** **whore.**

Tyler flinched, suddenly filled with terror mixed with such intense anger at himself. _How can I believe someone would actually accept me? No one ever has, what's different about these people? I'm such an idiot, idiot, idiot._ He stopped dead in his tracks, staring at the backs of the couple leading him to the library. _I'm so stupid, it's never worked with anyone else, what makes me think it'll work with these complete strangers?_ Jack realized there was no one walking by his side anymore, and turned around in search of Tyler, who was just standing there in the middle of the hallway. Alex turned as well, his eyes full of wonder and confusion, but he just _couldn't_ do it. He stood there, frozen and numb, feeling nothing but panic, his eyes wide, his arms clutching the sides of his torso. _Stupid, idiot, worthless, stupid, stupid, stupid!_

“Hey man, I know the thought of meeting new people is terrifying, believe me I'm familiar with the fear you're feeling right now,” a calm voice, most likely Alex, was saying, “but I also know these people, and I can promise you, they won't judge you, or think you're another stupid kid who can't get over stuff, or say mean things about you, I promise you they're going to like and accept you, just like Jack and I do! I promise you'll be okay, these guys won't just use you and leave you, we're gonna be here for you.”

 **_He's just lying, Ty. I know what's best for you remember? They will just hurt you, they will be like_ ** **him,** **_they're gonna hurt you, Tyler. It's easy to walk away, it's easy to remain in isolation, we've done it before haven't we?_**

Tyler didn't know what to believe, he truly wanted to believe Alex, but the voices were too truthful as well. He was in a too panicky state to even think, and he was too scared to even move. He couldn't decide what to do. He knew the voices were true, he was going to get hurt, but he was being offered something he hadn't had in a long time: friends, people he could rely on, and anything was worth that at his level of desperation. Subconsciously, he found himself nodding at Alex, fear subsiding running in his veins, as Alex once again helped him catch his breath.

“Alright Ty, before we go to the library though, what's something that calms you down?” asked Jack, coming to his side with a cup of water. Tyler muttered a soft ‘thank you’.

“I, uh, singing, my mom used to sing to me whenever I, whenever I panicked.” He felt a wave of melancholy hit his chest at the thought of his mom. Sure she wasn't dead, but she was far, far away. “Why?”

“Just asking, if it helps better, we might as well do that,” he answered, leaving Tyler in slight shock over the caring attitude Jack had taken, “c’mon let's go now. You won't have time to meet them if we're late.”

He followed Jack, Alex following his boyfriend closely. After a few seconds, they reached the library door, only bumping with a group of girls that actually didn't seem to be disgusted at the sight of the couple. Jack said hi to them, and introduced them to Tyler as Melanie and the two Hayleys. _They look kind enough_ , he thought.

 

Right as they were about to enter through the wooden doors, Jack turned to look at him, the last question of confirmation that he was in fact ready. He wasn't sure himself, if he was ready to befriend the still unknown amount of people, but the thought of being alone once again was more terrifying. He nodded once, and with unnecessary dramatics, Jack pushed the door open, keeping it that way for Tyler to come into the room. Taking a deep breath, he stepped into the library.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, I'm aware things seem like they're going really slow, I really don't know why everything I write is like this, but I'm going to try to set a quicker pace for the story, and I'm sorry about that sort of cliffhanger, I didn't want it to be such a long chapter. This chapter also offer little insight on Jalex, and in case you were wondering the two Hayleys are Hayley Williams and Hayley Kiyoko.
> 
> Please, leave your thoughts below, constructive criticism is appreciated, and just let me know if you like this? Leave a comment and kudos ❤


	4. Fake You Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jenna laughed and sat down at the table, grabbing Tyler’s arm and pulling him down with her. “Now, why don't we get to know each other better, huh?”
> 
> (If you don't get the chapter title, why are you reading tøp fanfic?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I'm back, life's not necessarily better but uh I'm on summer break so I can take time to write again even if I feel terrible. I hope you enjoy :)

_ Who am I? Who am I,  _

_ when I don't know myself?  _

**_Invisible,_ ** **5 Seconds Of Summer**

 

**Chapter 4**

 

From the moment Alex and Jack walked in through the double doors with someone she had never seen before, Jenna knew this day was going to be exciting.

Followed by the couple came a guy (from what she could guess) probably not much younger than Jack, but somehow looking significantly smaller than either Jack or Alex. His head was hanging low, eyes glued to the ground in what she guessed was nervousness.

He seemed to be trembling, his arms tightly gripping the sides of his abdomen while also holding down the sleeves of his maroon jumper, almost as if he was hiding something.

She grew suspicious right about there, and the fact that Jack and Alex had brought him must have meant something or had a particular purpose. Not only was he visibly making himself smaller and less significant to sight, but the fact that he was pulling at his sleeves must have had a deeper reason. 

She didn't dwell much on that thought however, not wanting to think about anything involving… that. Her mind quickly flashed to the ugly marks on her own thighs, and the even more painful ones in Ash’s tummy. She shivered and forced herself to pay attention to what Mikey had been asking her earlier.

“How the fuck am I supposed to remember all of this fucking symbols and names and fucking numbers for third hour? This is fucking ridiculous, man!”

She didn't even have the chance to answer though, because Ryan started to give the younger boy the answer before she could even process the question.

As she looked at the rest of her friends, all in their phones, doing homework or simply reading, she realizes she had been the only one to notice the boy accompanying the couple. Honestly, she wanted to keep it that way for all of their sakes.

Slowly, she stood up to meet the boys, putting on the kindest smile she could muster.

“Hi guys,” she said softly aiming for the couple, before turning to the unfamiliar boy. “Hi, it's very nice to meet you, I'm Jenna Black.”

The couple simply smiled at her and waved at their friends on the table, before quickly leaving the library to meet up with the other half of their friends, as the boy slowly rose his head to look up at her.

He had soft brown eyes, a short mess of brown hair, and puffy cheeks that definitely showed he had been crying. The most striking thing about his face were his eyes, the broken and hollow look in them, filled with pain and panic alike. He was staring at her anxiously, for what she was not sure, but she wanted to hold the boy close to her and show him all of the warmth in the world.

Her mind went to Ash again, who constantly teased her about her mom personality and her complex to care about those who she didn't even know. She smiled softly yet genuinely, her heart filled with the truest love in the world. Apparently that genuine smile was all that the guy needed for his anxiety to fade even just a little, just enough to speak.

“It's nice to meet you to, um, I'm-I'm Tyler Joseph.”

 

×××

 

After introducing himself to Jenna, the small girl motioned for Tyler to approach the table, where the rest of the group of friends was gathered. They didn't seem to be as much as he had thought based on what Jack had said, for only 5 students were sitting there.

Tyler could feel the bubble of anxiety slowly, very slowly disintegrate, for he expected much more noise and attention, but only Jenna and a boy with light blue eyes, thick glasses and a green hat covering blonde hair were looking at them, and they both wore gentle smiles.

He inhaled deeply and walked over to the table, with an actual unusual feeling of tranquility. Jenna walked in front of him, and once they were there, she cleared her throat, making the others look up at them both, sparkling the slightest of anxiety in him, but he still remained calm.

“Right, so Jalex came here to introduce us to Tyler here, who I guess is new here and well we should all be kind to him because we all liked it when people were nice to us on our first day here, don't even dare to deny it.”

A soft round of ‘heys’ sounded from the guys, some with more energy and cheeriness than others. The blonde guy from before cleared his throat next.

“Hey, I'm Patrick, these are Awsten-”

“Spelled A-W-S-T-E-N, thank you, and nice to meet you Ty,” a purple haired  _ guy?  _ with two different colored eyes said with a big grin.

“-Mikey-” he gestured to the salmon haired boy with emerald eyes. 

“-Luke-” blonde boy with the  _ lightest _ blue eyes Tyler had seen in his life. 

“-and Ryan.” brown haired boy with the  _ softest _ brown eyes.

“Well, and technically Josh is missing,” muttered Ryan, but smiling nonetheless.

“Yeah, you'll see him later though, I bet you share some classes.” Jenna laughed and sat down at the table, grabbing Tyler’s arm and pulling him down with her. “Now, why don't we get to know each other better, huh?” 

 

×××

 

Josh was late for class.

He had forgotten his first class today was Statistics and he had to run to the other side of the building to get there. And on top of that, he still had to pass by his locker to get out his books as he cursed at himself and life in itself. He quickly got his things out and slammed the locker door shut.

He wasn't expecting to find someone else in the hallway this late to class obviously, so it was a goddamn surprise when he bumped into someone as soon as he turned around to run to class.

“Fucking hell, you fucking scared me man!” he whisper-shouted angrily, not even staring at who he'd bumped with, just shoving his way past them.

“I-I I'm so sorry, I just need help finding this, uh, classroom, I don't know where it is please-”

“Do I look like I care?” he said without turning around to look at them, “Go to the receptionist and ask her, dumbass!”

Josh left the kid behind, hurrying to his class and slipping in time just for attendance, flopping down in his usual seat next to Awsten.

“Hey man,” his two-color eyed friend told him in their usual excited voice, “why were you late?”

“I was helping Bren and Geoff, ‘cause they're high as fuck, and I forgot we had Statistics first hour.” Josh said, sighing softly. “I had to run here and some dumbass bumped into me to make it worse.”

“It's alright, anyway, Mr. Grace was about to go out and search for the new kid- who by the way is named Tyler, Jalex brought them to the library this morning ‘cause Alex found him in need of help to get here this morning and yeah.”

“Tyler, huh? A he?”

“Yep, asked him and everything. He's also super cool with other orientations and genders so that makes him a cool guy for me.”

“Well, is he nice?”

“Yeah, actually, can't wait for the rest of you to meet him. He's anxious though and definitely deals with some shit, but I bet you'll like him and he'll like us all.”

Josh chuckled, everyday amazed at how Aws remained enthusiast about almost everything. Just as he was about to reply to them, the door opened to reveal a guy with messy brown hair and a these lost and desperate chocolate eyes, which locked with Josh’s mocha ones.

Josh immediately was drawn to him, and despite the messy and generally sad looks of the guy, he was still quite handsome. They both blinked and looked away, just as the boy entered the classroom and Josh turned to Awsten.

“Is that-?”

“Yep, that's Tyler, like I said, he deals with some rough shit guessing by his looks so let's treat him nicely right?”

“Right.”

Mr. Grace introduced him as Tyler Joseph, and told him to seat in front of Awsten, who gave him the biggest grin and motioned for the seat. Tyler smiled nervously at them, and looked over at Josh in doubt, with something the latter couldn't recognize in his eyes. Josh simply smiled at him.

“Hey Tyler, it's nice to meet you, I'm Josh Dun.”

“Hey. It's um, nice to meet you too.”

Josh didn't think twice about the anxiety and fear in Tyler’s voice and stare, and simply looked to the front of the class, where Mr. Grace was already writing something on the board.

And he definitely didn't notice the way Tyler looked at him with both adoration and doubt, as a hurricane destroyed his insides. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ha hello, sorry for the three month delay which I initially pretended to be a three week break  
>  ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
> Honestly, life's not been okay at all but yeah, I think writing will make that better. I don't have much to say but yeah I'll post more soon :)


	5. Save

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title comes from Save by Tyler Joseph (original) / twenty one pilots (remastered).
> 
> At the end of the day, Tyler was exhausted. Meeting everyone had gone better than he expected, sure, but that didn't make it any less draining and tiring for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Anxiety, mentions of drug use, mentions of self harm, non graphic rape/non con.  
> Stay safe ❤

_These scars no one can see_

_Under my skin, they're slowly growing wider_

**_Empty Cage,_ ** **Moonfall**

  


**Chapter 5**

By lunchtime, Jack’s claims of them being a big group turned out to be right.  

Apparently he'd met what Ryan referred to as the _quiet half of the group + Awsten_ that morning at the library, and then Josh at Statistics first period. He didn't get it at first, but it all made complete sense when lunchtime came (that also explained why Jack and Alex simply dropped him at the library rather than _stay_ there).

Just before his World History class started, Awsten introduced him to Geoff and Ashton, the former one year above the other three, but close friend of both Awsten and Ashton, more so with the the purple haired teen than the curly haired boy.

Ashton was quite _giggly._ He had messy curly hair, probably not able of being tamed if not for the blue bandana the boy was wearing. His eyes were a slightly dark shade of hazel, gleaming with everlasting joy, but the kind of joy that only seemed to be a facade for something much deeper.

Tyler wasn't sure of it however, as it may as well be his own dark way of seeing everything and believing everything had a downside. He settled for the giggly boy who seemed rather childish for now though, because that seemed to fit the best.

Geoff looked a bit older, and with all reason, for he was indeed older than them, and he had short brown hair except for his long fringe, and slightly dark blue eyes, nothing like Jenna’s or Patrick's.

Geoff was similar to Ashton -childish, funny, laughing at everything- but at the same time, he was very different from either Ashton or Awsten. His joy, rather than appearing to be a facade, seemed to be nothing but a fake feeling, possibly caused by the drugs he and another boy named Brendon frequently did -he hated to admit it but he'd absentmindedly heard Awsten and Josh talk about it all throughout first period-, and it was clear that the older boy’s hazy look and distracted laugh were influenced by the drugs.

Tyler was unsure of their company, since the three teens together were awfully loud and in a way, anxiety inducing. It wasn't the typical anxiety that would render him motionless and desperate however, but more of a sense overload, as the abrupt noise and movements left him feeling like it was too much.

The only Tyler didn't seem to mind that much was Awsten, who had already trusted him by telling him they were agender, and would very much appreciate it if Tyler referred to them with they/them pronouns. Of course, Tyler didn't mind, and had absolutely no problem in calling them _them,_ after all their gender (or lack of thereof) was absolutely none of his business, and he was quite open minded about genders and sexual orientations.

He spent most of the class sitting quietly behind Geoff, who was too high to care about his presence there. Being around three such loud teens, he was starting to feel overwhelmed, his heart beating a little faster, his breath becoming a little ragged.

He did what he could to keep himself grounded, but he was not even close to paying attention to anything Mrs. Fray was saying, clenching his hands into fists and pressing his nails into his palms, while also biting his lip as hard as he could, eventually drawing blood from both.

He barely made it through History class, and he packed as quickly as possible in the hopes of leaving the classroom and finding somewhere nice and quiet before the halls were filled with more loud and overwhelming teens.

His hopes remained just that however, hopes. Before he could even walk out the door completely, Awsten grabbed the sleeve of his jumper, producing a surprised gasp to leave the boy as he turned to face the purple haired teen.

“Hey where are you going?” Awsten asked Tyler, their two colored eyes shining with never-ending curiosity and delight, “Won't you come sit with us outside?”

He felt trapped, struggling to decide whether he was ready to face more overwhelming loudness or he prefered to hide away in the violent silence. He'd much rather have the latter, but the innocent gleam in Awsten's eyes made him believe that perhaps the situation was going to end better than he thought. “Yeah, yeah, I, uh, just,I-I wanted to get some things from my locker first?” The tremble and doubt in his voice made it sound like a question rather than a statement, and he shrunk into himself a little, suddenly feeling quite self conscious.

“Ah! Sure thing buddy, d’you want me to come with ya? Halls get pretty crowded right now.”

“No it's fine, I wouldn't want to be a bother anyway.”

Ashton and Geoff were standing behind Awsten now. They seemed to be joking between themselves, not really paying attention to the conversation between Tyler and Awsten. Key word was _seem._

“Oh, where are we going?” Ashton asked enthusiastically. Awsten turned to look at the curly haired boy and chuckled.

“Outside, as usual, it's lunch time remember?”

“Yeah, but you asked him if he wanted you to come with him?”

“It's nothing Ash, Ty’s just going to his locker, he'll meet us outside.”

Awsten told Tyler that they usually sat in the tables out near the soccer field, since few people were there and they could take as much space as they wanted and needed, and he simply nodded letting them know he'd met them there.

On his way through the noisy halls, his mind was a monsoon, destroying itself and wreaking havoc in its path. He didn't know why he'd agreed, years of sitting down with his only two friends every lunch in the halls to avoid anxiety attacks flashing through his memory.

He couldn't handle so many people, sure, he'd been alright in the early morning, but if there were more like Awsten, Ashton and Geoff together, he was sure he would pass out right then and there.

He forced himself to make his way to his locker, and heavily considered staying inside, probably just curled up in an empty corner of a higher floor or sitting inside the dirty floor of a bathroom stall while slashing his skin a little more. Once again, he couldn't even think much about it, before Jenna and another girl approached him out of nowhere.

“Hey Ty, I knew I'd find you here.” the blonde girl exclaimed cheerfully, “This is my partner, Ash, she's genderfluid but today's a she day, right darling?”

“Yeah, most days are feminine, but I'd appreciate it if you used gender neutral pronouns before I say how I'm feeling each day, and very nice to meet you man, how's your day been?”

Ash, who was a couple inches shorter than both Tyler and Jenna, was quite sympathetic towards Tyler and she was wearing a warm yet playful smile, not that different to the one her girlfriend wore often too.

“Nice to meet you too Ash. I-I really, like your, um, hair color.”

“Oh thanks! Jenna actually dyes it for me, she's great at it.”

“Ah don't be so modest, you taught me how to do it!” they both chuckled and Jenna leaned to place a kiss on Ash’s forehead, “anyway, wanna come with us outside?”

Strong fear clogged his veins, making his heart beat faster and his breath come in quicker. Ash noticed his immediate distress and gave him another sympathetic look.

“Hey, I know how you feel, trust me, we all felt anxious when we were first introduced to the group, they know you're nervous, they'll be cool about it, half of them have anxiety disorders anyway,” Ash stated matter-of-fact.

“Well, she's not wrong, but yeah, they're, _we're_ , considerate when it comes to anxiety and being new, you'll be okay, I promise,” Jenna added, and Tyler let out a breath he didn't know he was holding.

“Alright, um, let's go then,” he mumbled shakily, “but um, can I stay with you guys?”

“Sure thing, love, you have nothing to worry about.”

 

××××

 

At the end of the day, Tyler was exhausted. Meeting everyone had gone better than he expected, sure, but that didn't make it any less draining and tiring for him.

He got to know Frank and Gerard, a very fiery and energetic couple, constantly telling jokes and generally doing random stuff to lighten the mood up.

Pete and Brendon were chaotic, classic troublemakers making the best out of their lives and doing absolutely anything to have the most fun. Brendon was another level of wild though, and it made more sense when Tyler found out he had ADHD, even if he didn't like stereotyping, the guy was crazy wild.

Calum was either very quiet, or very loud and giggly, definitely nothing in between. He seemed to be quite close to Ashton, laughing at everything he said and joking around with him, and Tyler suspected there was something between them, but he figured first, he'd just met them, and second, he was in no place to comment on it.

Like Jenna and Ash (whose birth name now Tyler knew to be Ashley) said, they were all very considerate of his anxiety, staying as relaxed and respectful so as not to cause him to have a panic attack. Tyler felt oddly at ease all throughout lunchtime, mostly chatting with Jenna, Ash, and Ryan about how school was and how everything worked. The rest of the day flew by, and not once did he feel a drop of dread in his veins.

On the way home, he realized he was neighbors with Ryan, and the first drop leaked into his bloodstream, suddenly remembering what happened at ‘home’, and how he'd have to stay quiet in case Ryan got a chance to hear him.

He entered his house shortly after, immediately heading to his room and locking himself in. As soon as his back hit the mattress, he felt exhaustion crash over him, and he felt the overwhelming need to take a nap, no matter how short or long he slept. He just needed to rest, and he slipped out of his clothes to put on some more comfy sweats and hoodie, pushing some things on top of his bed to the floor. He turned on his speaker and put on some nice, soft playlist, clicking shuffle before laying in his bed again.

It didn't take much for him to fall asleep. But it didn't take much for the beast to come home either, and make his most terrible nightmares come to life.

Painpainpain, that's all he could feel, as he lay face down on the mattress, praying to God or whatever other being for all of it to be over, but the monster kept pounding, every second more painful than the last. He kept quiet, as tears streamed down his face, and blood trickled down his thighs, staining the sheets crimson. He kept quiet, fighting through the agony, willing himself to pass out, but feeling every single moment of that endless night.

It was past midnight when the best returned to its cave, having wrecked Tyler like it never had before, for he laid there immobile, wishing for the pain to go away, for every movement to stop hurting.

Perhaps, he wished for his waste of a life to be finished by someone else, for he was tired of taking it himself.

Or perhaps, all that he wished for, was someone who could save him, both from the beast, and from himself.

 

Total word count: 1,947

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I know my writing is kinda messy but I'm giving it all I've got! I really hope you like this one, I'm actually quite proud of how it's going, I have so many things literally in a list of things that *must* happen, and I literally can't wait for them to happen but man, this intro to the fic was slow af and I swear I'll try to make the rest go faster. Again, I hope you like it! 
> 
> Btw, you should totally check the band Moonfall, they're fucking fabulous and so talented, both their sound and lyrics are fantastic, check them out if you can. This is in no way a sponsor, I'm just in love with them and them want more people to know about them lmao. Thanx. 
> 
> Also Pray For The Wicked is fucking dope. 
> 
> ~Val


	6. All I See Is You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Deathbeds by Bring Me The Horizon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, I intended to post this before but I got a little carried away with the tøp things going on (both Jumpsuit and NATN are absolutely amazing songs) and then I got carried away writing one particular part in this chapter. I really hope you like it!
> 
> Trigger warnings: depression, hinted alcoholism, hinted child abuse, hinted self harm, dysphoria (this one is heavy ish), mild anxiety, body image issues.

_ Perfect boys _

_ with their perfect lives _

_ Nobody wants to hear you sing _

_ about tragedy _

**_Disloyal Order Of Water Buffaloes,_ ** **Fall Out Boy**

 

**Chapter 6**

As the end of November approached, Ryan was covered in a sheet of dread, just like every surface would be in snow not too far from then, for Thanksgiving day was just around the corner. 

It was not exactly Thanksgiving itself that was a problem to the brown haired boy, but the fact that he didn't really have much to be thankful for. As much as he was grateful for the somewhat friends he had at school, the rest of his life was pretty much shit. 

He only had his dad after all, and he wasn't the greatest company to have on Thanksgiving day. His mom was out of the country for all that Ryan knew, and she made it clear that she didn't want him to ever contact her. Not that he could blame her from not wanting to be related to him, he wouldn't want to either if he had a choice. 

Ryan sighed softly and got up from the couch, walking the short distance to the door to leave for school once he saw Tyler waiting for him outside through the window. He shook his head and put on a smile, just like he did every morning before opening the door and joining Tyler. 

“Hey Ry,” the shorter boy said softly with a smile, as the older boy gave him a side hug, “were you able to finish that song you were working on?” 

“Uh yeah, I think I'm done with it, now I just don't know what to name it.” 

Honestly, it didn't take much for him to finish that one song in particular, after all, he had lots of bottled up emotions towards the situation and the words just seemed to come to him magically. 

“What about you, did you finish yours?” 

“Not really, I uh, I can't find the words for it, they don't really make sense or they ruin the whole purpose and the meaning you know, like I want the whole song to maintain a certain vibe and story and all but I simply can't find the words, it's stressing me out, I've been working on it for weeks now and- and I'm ranting…” Tyler lowered his voice to a mutter, looking at the ground, and suddenly picking at the threads of his jumper sleeves and biting his lip. “Sorry I keep doing that.”

Ryan was getting worried about the shorter boy, who always, _always,_  wore long sleeves and beat himself up for everything he did, which most of the times was uncalled for. He'd seen Awsten’s habits for a long enough time to take a wild guess at what secret Tyler might have been keeping, but he couldn't just ask him if his assumptions were right. 

He'd quickly developed a strong friendship with Tyler, somewhat concerning and pretty odd for both boys after years of trust issues, but they'd grown pretty close in the few weeks they'd known each other, and Ryan was quite worried and it hurt him to think about what the shorter boy what may be going through. 

Instead of asking anything however, he continued the conversation, assuring the boy in what he could. 

“Hey, don't be sorry about that, it's actually cool how you get so passionate about some things sometimes, and I don't mind the ranting.”

Tyler simply shot him a nervous smile and mouthed a small ‘thank you’ before they fell on comfortable silence. 

Ryan's mind went back to Thanksgiving day, and he wondered if there was some way he could bail on his father and be alone all day, perhaps walk around town and the forest nearby his house. He doubted the man would notice his absence anyway, and he was willing to risk a couple bruises at nightfall to have a free day. He was willing to risk many things to have a single happy day. 

 

××××

 

Ever since Frank woke up in bloodstained sheets, he knew it was going to be a bad week. 

Constant dysphoria and feeling 500% uncomfortable with his body didn't seem to be enough for the universe to make him feel like shit and just remind him of the disgusting body he was born in. 

He cried when his mother came to wake him up, but in her understanding and complete empathy, she told him reminded him that he was whatever gender he felt comfortable identifying as, not whatever gender his organs determined him to be. 

He would forever be grateful for his family, who supported and accepted his  _ son _ even though they didn't truly understand what he was feeling. He would forever be grateful he got to have  _ them _ as a family. 

But his mother's kind words were not really enough to make him feel the slightest bit of okay, and he ended up having a really bad moment in the shower, scratches and tears marking up his chest and abdomen. He didn't really mean to hurt himself, he just somehow managed to amidst his panic and disgust in the shower. 

Nonetheless, once his binder was on, and he put his boxer briefs over another pair of underwear, he felt a bit more relieved. 

Gerard made him feel even better at school, kissing him and letting him know he was the most handsome boyfriend and the most genuine guy he could ever ask for, holding him close and rubbing his back to ease the tension from the binder. Gerard always knew what to do to make him feel better, of course the uncomfort and alienating feeling never  _ ever _ left, but his boyfriend always eased his mind. 

He couldn't escape some thoughts however. 

_ Huh? You think you pass as a  _ boy _? You're the most feminine girl there is Frankie. No one could ever think of you as a boy. No one could ever believe you're a boy. You are no boy, after all, you're the pretty little girl you were  _ born as. 

His torment was never ending and there was nothing anyone could do that would make the unbearable sense of confinement he felt every single day, every single second. He was in a turmoil of bitterness and distress, all adding up to anxiety and panic. 

Having new people in the group didn't help at all. From Tyler, who they just met literally two weeks ago, to Ash, Luke, Calum and Michael, who they've only known since the beginning of the year since they were freshmen. All but Tyler knew that he wasn't born a boy, and they were accepting and supporting of it, especially Ash, with them being genderfluid themselves. 

But no support and love in the world would be able to take the misery or change the feeling of detachment and not belonging in life. For he felt like a stranger, walking in a body that was not his and wanting to tear it apart every single moment he walked in it. For he didn't feel like he was living that way. He just felt like a ghost, watching everything happen from another life, but nobody seemed to notice that. Not even the one he loved the most. 

 

××××

 

Brendon was beyond worried. Nevermind,  _ worried _ would be an understatement. He felt extremely anxious. 

He half jogged half strolled down the corridor in the direction of the library and his mind for once wouldn't shift its attention to anything but the conversation he just had with his History teacher. 

Just today, he'd been called to stay for a couple minutes after four classes, all teachers saying he was miserably failing the subjects. He felt incredibly self-conscious about what he'd done in the past months this school year, and felt washed out by guilt as he realized he hadn't read a single page on any information all year, meaning he hadn't done well in anything either. 

For once, he deeply wished his distracted mind could change its attention to anything else but his failures, for all he wanted to do as the realization hit him was drink as much vodka as he could and equally smoke as much weed. But he couldn't do that now, he needed to focus, he needed to do something about his grades, he couldn't let his future slip right through his fingers again. 

He picked up speed, and quickly reached the library’s double doors, pushing them open rather harshly, making them bang against the wall with a loud thud. He glanced at the librarian, who was piercing a hole through his skull through her hard glare, and he simply shot her an apologetic smile as he headed towards the book aisles. 

He scanned through the books rapidly, picking up the most reliable-looking books on the laws of gravity, the literature of the romanticism, the soviet union and chemical substances he could find. 

He was willing to stay as late as he was allowed to reading these books, and even take them home to finish taking notes on what he needed just to improve his grades. He wasn't ready to give up on his future and throw it all away just yet. 

In his haste, he didn't notice anyone else in the library, but now, as he stood next to the librarian’s desk, he clearly saw the one and only Ryan Ross sitting down on the farther-most table he found, with his earbuds plugged in as he quietly did what Brendon supposed was his homework. 

Now, Brendon had shamelessly been flirting with the older boy for months if not for years, all platonic and jokingly of course, to Ryan’s annoyance, but he knew the older boy was one of the most brilliant guy in their year, and an equally brilliant idea popped into his mind. 

He thanked the librarian as he checked the books out and silently approached the taller boy in the table. Once he reached him, he not-so-gently placed the books on the table and sat down across the mocha eyed boy, making him jump slightly and look up at him with eyes as wide as the moon. The younger boy simply flashed him his most innocent smile and gave him a little wave. In return, Ryan took an earbud out, still looking flustered, with knitted eyebrows, and confusion gleaming in his eyes. 

“Hi, uh, what are you doing here Brendon?” he questioned lowly, doubt laced with his voice. 

“Right, so as you may know, I'm not the most brilliant guy there is and today I may have found out I'm kinda failing half of my subjects and uh-” he took a deep breath, glancing at his lap and forcing his leg to stop the incessant bouncing he had subconsciously been doing, “-I really need your help Ryan.”

The older boy was visibly taken aback, recoiling and shrinking on himself while looking at Brendon in perplexity. Honestly, it bewildered the younger boy himself, he never  _ did _ plan to ask help from anyone, much less Ryan specifically, but he saw the opportunity and couldn't risk losing it. Sure, Brendon may not be on Ryan's best side, but he didn't lose anything in trying. After a moment of sitting in silence, both boys lost in their thoughts, the older shook his head and chuckled under his breath. 

“I can never tell whether you're serious or not.” Ryan was looking at Brendon with amusement in his eyes, and while most would show the look in a malicious way, the older boy had nothing but innocent intentions. Nevertheless, the younger boy was slightly annoyed at the older’s disbelief. 

There was no way Brendon could be mad at him when his warm eyes gleamed with playfulness. Scratch that, there was no way Brendon could be mad at him in general, with his warm personality and way of being, he was captivating and alluring, and there was nothing Brendon could do to not be mesmerized by him. 

He could do nothing but stare at him, a broken and lost look engraved in his contrasting numb eyes, devoid of any of the older’s warmth. He felt astray, as he absorbed Ryan’s charm, while his thoughts ravished inside his mind. 

_ I'm failing. I'm a failure. But god isn't he beautiful. Has he been this enchanting this whole time? I'm  _ failing _ , I'm useless and helpless. He's so beautiful. There's no time for beautiful. There's no time for failing. He'ssobeautifulI'mafailure. _

They fell in silence once more, but it took much longer for the younger boy to realize it this time, as Ryan stared at him with concern and a mild spark of panic. He seemed troubled, and Brendon felt immediately bad for making the older boy feel like that. 

“Wait, you're serious?” 

Brendon felt utterly hopeless, the walls of his sanity trembling around him as they remained stood weakly, barely. He knew he looked just as bad as he felt for the pity that quickly flashed in Ryan’s expression. He needed a joint, he needed to escape this awful, crumbling reality. He wanted an escape, no matter how momentarily.  _ He needed an escape _ . 

He stood up rapidly in an impulse, picking up the books from the table and sprinting out the library doors. In his rush, he didn't notice nor hear Ryan following closely behind him and calling his names as he went out the school doors, his longer legs quickly catching up with him. The older boy caught his forearm halfway down the sidewalk, turning the younger boy around to face him. 

“Hey, why did you just leave?” 

Brendon was in the verge of panic now, and he knew for a fact that he didn't have any anxiety disorders and it was just the ADHD fucking up his mind, but there was nothing he could do to stop it. His breathing was becoming erratic and his vision blurry as he fought the dizziness. 

“Hey, hey, don't worry about it right now, alright? We can sort this out later, I'll help you out in whatever you need, I'll help you raise your grades, just take deep breaths right now Bren, just concentrate on taking deep breaths.”

Brendon hadn't ever had a full on panic attack, but he'd had the starts of one before, and after being around anxious friends for so long he knew what to do. He followed Ryan’s breathing, and in a matter of minutes, he was exhausted yet as if nothing had happened. 

“I'm so sorry about that,” he sighed, turning to look at the ground, “it was all just too much for a moment.”

“Don't worry about it, you know I'd help you anytime.” Ryan grinned softly at him as he reached to hold a half of the books Brendon had borrowed from the library. “Now why don't I walk you home?”

“Oh god, you don't have to do that, I'm alright walking on my own.”

“Ah, it's really no problem, you literally live a couple blocks before mine, and anyway, I'm already used to walking home with Tyler so I win something more besides walking Brendon Urie himself home.”

Brendon couldn't help but barking out a hysterical laugh, never believing he would hear those words in his life.

“That's one of the best things I've ever heard you say, and where's Tyler now?”

“He went to Jen’s place with Josh and Cal to work on some project or something like that, I'm not totally sure to be honest, ya know?”

The younger boy hummed in understanding and they soon fell in comfortable silence. After ten minutes of walking, they finally reached Brendon’s house, a two story tealThe younger boy felt a wave of awkwardness settle between them, and he felt restless at it.

“Uh, well we're here, um,”  _ get it together, Brendon,  _ “would you like to maybe come in?”

Ryan looked surprised at the invitation and he had the most adorable smile Brendon had ever seen on him. 

_ Come on, man, get it  _ together. 

“Uh, yeah, I'd really like that actually,” he ended up saying, before he gave a step back and his eyes widened, “only if you truly want to of course! I mean you don't  _ have t _ o invite me if you don't really want to, ya know-”

“Hey, hey,” Brendon barked a loud laugh (it seemed like he did that a lot when he was around Ryan) again, “I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to.”

He couldn't help the big ass grin that settled in his face as the older boy visible relaxed and nodded, following Brendon to the porch. 

“Now, come on man, feel like home, be like home, what's the fucking saying anyway? Ah, whatever let's just have some fun.”

“You stupid dork,” Ryan said smiling,punching him slightly in the arm, “we'll have fun after I help you with whatever you need help in.”

Brendon couldn't help the laugh that escaped him yet again, as he directed Ryan to his bedroom, stopping to say hi and re-introducing Ryan to his mom in the dining room, for the latter hadn't been to his house in years. His mom gave him a knowing grin, and he rolled his eyes at her, choosing to ignore the funny feeling in his chest. 

_ This is just like with anyone else, Brendon. Ryan is just like anyone else.  _

 

×××××

 

Michael was at school until late, after his parents told him his chauffeur would be late for him. 

He was able to see Ryan and Brendon from below the tree he was sitting, and he couldn't help but feel envious of the way they looked at each other. Every one of their friends knew there was (and had been for over a year) something between them but them, as cliché as that may sound. It was like both were afraid to admit their feelings for each other, and in the meantime they covered it up with “fake flirting” and being annoyed by each other. 

Michael wanted that. He wanted someone to love him so much that they were afraid to admit it. He wanted someone to love him so desperately they would lie to themselves. He wanted someone to love him. 

He didn't ask for much. He never did. He didn't ask his parents to be rich. He didn't ask them to buy a huge house. He didn't ask them for expensive clothes. He didn't ask to be called a brat. He didn't ask to be called spoiled. He didn't ask for a  _ chauffeur _ . He didn't ask to be expected nothing but perfection from him. All he asked for was love and  _ warmth.  _ (And not to be in a private school but that doesn't matter.) 

All he wanted was someone to hold him when he felt helpless, to tell him he was strong when he felt hopeless, to tell him how much they love him when he felt useless. 

Especially today, especially in his birthday. 

People had told him “Happy birthday”, they'd bring him gifts (even Tyler and he'd met the dude a couple weeks ago, but he was a sweetheart) and cards, but no one held him, told him how much he meant for them. No one seemed to really care after all. 

Henry, his chauffeur, arrived a good 15 minutes after he saw the two brown haired boys leave the school, and he was drowning in his own loneliness and pity. 

_ Lonely.  _ He was tired of feeling lonely. He was also tired of feeling disgusting in his own body, but most of all he was tired of  _ feeling tired. _ He couldn't explain it for his life's sake, he was just so tired. 

The first thing he did when he arrived home was run up the fancy ass stairs he so much hated and lock himself in his room. His parents were not home  anyway, they were on a  _ business trip  _ in  _ Miami _ . He had no reason or obligation to interact with anyone in the house. The only people he liked were Henry and Crystal, the cook, with whom he could have talks about anything and felt comfortable around. But she was on her day off, and Henry didn't stay in the house. So he was  _ lonely.  _

All he could do was lie in bed, staring at the ceiling as the numbness settled. He would have fallen asleep, if it wasn't for the knock on his bedroom door. 

Shocked, because no one could want anything from him, he stood up as scrunched his eyebrows, wondering who could be at the door mildly annoyed. 

To much of his surprise, none others than Luke Hemmings and Ashton Irwin were standing outside the door, both wearing enormous grins. 

“Hey! Happy birthday Mike!” the hazel eyed boy basically shouted, I know we literally just saw you like an hour ago, and we said happy b-day already but we wanted to hang out with you!”

“Yeah!” Luke chimed in, “It’s your special day, after all. Calum, with others, also wanted to come but they have something to present and they couldn't come.”

Michael could only stare at them, not quite believing they were there, simply to  _ hang out _ ? He shook his head and moved to a side to let them in, shutting the door behind them. 

“I can't believe you just came here,” he admitted, panicking as hurt flashed in the other boys’ eyes, “no, no! I mean, I can't believe you actually would just come and hang out, like just because it's my birthday.”

“What do you mean,  _ just because it's your birthday _ , dumbass.”

“First off, we love hanging out with you, second, of course we'd come, we already said it's an  _ special day. _ ”

Michael could only laugh. He wasn't sure why, but the thought of them coming over to his house because his  _ birthday was special to them  _ just made him all giggly. And the sight of them fighting over how to correctly connect the PlayStation and which one of them got which controller just made him feel all  _ warm _ inside. 

He cleared his head, he couldn't deal with thinking right now, and all he did was join Ashton and Luke in front of the TV where they sat on bean bags. 

All he could do was enjoy their company as the loneliness he felt mere minutes ago melted away. 

  
**_Total word count:_ ** _ 3,688 _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, so I really feel the need to explain why some characters are not the gender they're in real life, and truth is all I intended to do is have some representation. Awsten is agender, Halsey is gender fluid, Frank is trans ftm, and Calum is also a non binary identity (although not non binary and I don't want to spoil that yet), and I don't mean to offend anyone, I don't mean to simply add diversity, I just mean for people to feel represented and normalize the identites, even though I'm aware this story is not necessarily of great impact to many people. I want you, readers, to feel more confortable in a way. Again, I'm sorry if it somehow makes you mad or uncomfortable, you don't need to read the story if it does.
> 
> So yeah, I'm sorry for the explanation but I really needed to do it, I felt like I did anyway. I hope you like this story so far. New chapter coming next Monday hopefully!
> 
> Kudos and comments are very much appreciated and they really give me inspiration to keep going, so if you can please leave a comment with what you thought!


	7. Nobody Knows His Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Trapdoor by twenty one pilots.
> 
> "But she knew better than to expect everything to be sun and light, she knew better than to forget the storm strikes when you least expect it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said Monday and it is technically still Monday somewhere in the world. Now, this chapter is a bit heavy, I put so much effort in these scenes and I really hope you like it because I feel really proud of myself for writing something this good.
> 
> Trigger warnings: suicidal thoughts, self harm, rape, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, anxiety.

_ And at night I go to bed _ __  
_ I see the reaper in my head _ _  
_ __ Won't you kill me now

**_I've Been Doing Well,_ ** **nothing,nowhere.**

 

**Chapter 7**

The day before Thanksgiving Day, the air was tense and choking, dread and uneasiness covering them whole. 

Tyler felt such distress that for the first day since he’d come to school, he actually spent his Study Halls and Lunch all alone. He couldn’t stand the negativity coming from his new friends, and his urges to split his skin apart grew more every second he was with them, but there was nothing he could do without a blade, and he couldn’t simply break a window or a mirror to hurt himself. 

Fortunately for all of them, just as school was over, Pete invited them all to his house to celebrate the, oh, so important day. Tyler was felt alleviated the moment the words came out of Pete’s mouth, and he felt the tense wave leave immediately as well. He looked around all of them, and with a start, he realized all of them, except the ones who said couldn’t go or had other plans, felt relieved in some way.

He flinched at that, and shot a dismissive look at Josh when the pink haired boy shot  _ him  _ a confused look himself. He couldn’t understand why none of them would rather stay home with their families and celebrate with them, instead of with their friends. He had more than perfect reasons to avoid his father all that he could and he would take any chance to stay away from him any day, especially a day when they would both be home all day. 

But why would the others stay away from their families? If he was back home in Columbus, he wouldn’t change the opportunity to spend a day with his loving mom and siblings for anything.  _ So why would the others do?  _

Unless…

He was so lost in thought, that he didn’t notice a hand waving in front of his face, and when he did, he did with a start. He only stared at Awsten with wide eyes as the latter chuckled slightly.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you,” they said with a wide grin on their face, “I was just wondering if you’re goin’ to Pete’s tomorrow?”

“Uh, yeah, I’ll do my best- try my best I mean! Not sure if my dad’s gonna let me, you know, but I’ll call you - or text you! - to let you know if you want?” His voice got considerably lower with every word he said, a habit of his that he heavily despised. 

“Sure thing! I’ll wait for your text,” they winked at him and left along with Ashton and Geoff, the latter throwing an arm around the purple haired teen. 

Tyler had noticed the two teens growing much closer in the mere two weeks he’d been with them, and he himself had grown closer to Awsten in a different way, already pretty attached to them. He just wanted them to be happy, and if Geoff made them happy, he was alright with that (he was also cool with Geoff, just not as close as Awsten).

He walked home alone, since Ryan was going to Brendon’s place again along with Josh. He couldn’t help but feel lonely, even though he was aware of the fact that he was the new guy and they were all much better friends. He was aware that they didn’t ask him to hang out because they had just met him and he wasn’t that close to anyone but Ryan, Awsten, Alex and Jenna, and he knew as much about them as they knew about him. He was aware it all made logical sense, but that didn’t stop him from thinking that they simply didn’t like him at all. 

They all had better company than him anyway. 

The whole walk home, he felt crushed, his insecurities and fears eating away at his sanity. The constant on-edge feeling had worn him out, and he had yet to face the monster. He kept on thinking about everything that could go wrong once he asked his father if he could go to a friend’s house to celebrate Thanksgiving, and he thought of every excuse he could in order to not go tomorrow. Half of him was desperate to escape the place he called home, and the other half too scared to ask for permission. 

He got home, greeted his father and went to his room, not once mentioning tomorrow’s plans. It wasn’t until the older man entered the room with a wide grin, that the urge to get away from him invaded his body completely, suddenly filling him with the courage to force the words out of his mouth. 

“Um, I-I forgot to tell you earlier, b-but, one of my friends invited me and other friends to spend tomorrow with him and his family at his house-” he blurted out in a rush, before stopping to breathe in a gasp, “-and I-I was wondering if you- if you would let me go.” His voice ended being a squeak, fear consuming the small amount of courage. 

The man had stood by the door, while Tyler speaked, but now he approached the boy in the bed, causing him to crawl farther up the bed in panic while also hugging his legs close to his chest. The man took advantage of the space the boy had just made for him and carefully sat down next to him, placing a hand on Tyler’s knee, inducing a whimper from the boy. 

“Why, of course you can go, my boy,” he said huskily, moving the boy’s legs so that he could place his hand on his thigh instead, “we’ll just have to do today  _ all  _ that I had planned for tomorrow.”

Tyler, who had previously been staring down in horror, darted his head to look at the man, his wide eyes brimming with tears, his cheeks already stained and red. He had barely a moment to act before he was being thrown on the mattress, his clothes being carelessly taken off his body and hurled to the floor. It took seconds for him to regret ever making a sound, but there was nothing he could do now as agony engulfed his body and mind, and tears flowed freely down his face.

He couldn’t scream, though, he couldn’t make a noise. He was too scared of someone finding out about everything that happened in the house. 

And after hours of torment, when the older man had finished, done with him everything he wanted, and exited the room, he felt nothing. He didn’t feel the pain, the guilt, the shame, the regret. He felt empty, with a gaping hole in his chest that only the blade in his drawer could fill. 

So he did what he knew best. He didn’t even bother to go to the bathroom, he just sat on the floor, as he slashed, he cut, he scratched, until the smell of blood in the room was overwhelming. He lied on the floor, not wanting to spend another second more in his bed as exhaustion finally caught up to him. Before he did anything else, he took  out his phone from his bag, and sent Awsten a quick message, refusing to somewhat promise he'd made. 

_ i'm goin tmrrw, not sure if u have my # but it's tyler, see u there.  _

_ So much for Thanksgiving day,  _ he thought, putting his phone down and closing his eyes as he surrendered to darkness. 

 

×××××

 

Patrick had no idea of what he was supposed to wear. One never knew how formal an occasion was with Pete. 

Last Fourth of July, he'd invited them for dinner and they all supposed it was super casual, turned out it was a formal dinner. 

But last Christmas, he'd invited them for dinner, all of them went formal as freak, it turned out to be super casual as they simply watched themed movies and ate Wendy’s. 

One can never be sure with Pete. 

After 20 minutes of rummaging in his closet, he ended up wearing a light grey pair of pants, and a honey yellow short sleeved button down with a red ochre cardigan, deciding that it looked casual enough and formal enough for either situation. 

Looking at himself in the mirror, he realized he was wearing the typical Autumn colors, unintentionally of course. He double thought about whether it would seem like he did it on purpose, feeling incredibly self conscious out of nowhere. It was hard enough for him to have a drop of confidence and these kind of situations in which his mind would inform him about all the things he could embarrass himself over, doubt overwhelmed him. 

Before he could let his thoughts keep him there for hours, he quickly gathered his phone, wallet and keys from his nightstand, walking out of the room and down the hallway to the living room where his parents were watching TV. They barely even gave him a glance, but that was enough for them to start judging him. 

“You look like a faggot- oh wait! You are one.”

“You should really try to wear things that look better, jeez, that pants color is terrible.”

“Son, yellow is not your strongest choice.”

“Could you for once, wear something that doesn't make me want to barf.”

“You really keep that faggot style going, don't ya?”

They didn't even say goodbye when the only son left who lived with them walked out the door. They didn't even care he was not spending yet another holiday without them. 

They never cared about him. They never cared about what he thought and believed, how he felt like, he much their words hurt him. All they ever cared about was how he dressed, how he acted, how he talked, how he  _ disgraced their family.  _

He took a deep breath as he pressed the open button on his car key, getting inside and resting his head on the steering wheel. 

_ Just ignore their words, Patrick, you've done it before. You can do it again. Don't let them get to you. _

He started the car, playing the radio, not connecting his phone in the aux cord like he usually would, and listening to the repetitive crap all radios would play. He didn't notice as time passed until the moment he was parked in front of his best friend’s huge house. He looked out of his own car to see Jack’s truck parked on the opposite side of the road, Brendon’s mom’s SUV and other cars parked in front of the house. 

Taking yet another deep breath, he got out of his sedan and walked the stairs to the Wentz’s residence. He ringed and the bell and waited for someone to open anxiously, his eyes burning with tears he desperately wanted to evaporate. 

_ Everything's alright, you know they lie, there's no reason for you to feel bad when all they speak is lies. Don't you dare cry. Don't you dare start crying now. Not now. Not now. Notnow.  _

He jumped a little when the door opened all of a sudden, but he relaxed when he saw Pete standing there with an excited smile on his face. 

“Hey man! I wasn't sure if you were gonna make it!” the older boy said, hugging Patrick tightly. 

All the blue eyed boy did was smile delightfully and hug Pete back. 

“You know I wouldn't miss it for anything in the world.”

 

×××

 

As she sat in a bean bag with a certain aqua haired person in her arms, Jenna couldn't help but feel troubled and lost. 

That had been it lately, troubled with her loud mind trying to convince her her feelings were not those she thought herself to be. 

For a little over a month now, she'd been feeling like things in her life were simply not turning out the way she wanted them, her life was not becoming one she liked. 

And unfortunately for herself, it started with the very person cuddled next to her. Things with Ash had started great, after the younger teen bravely stood up for Jenna against the stupid boys who liked to tease her about her sexuality. 

Jenna had instantly been attracted to them, for their gender bending style and their courageous kind way of being. For the first month, things were rainbows and happiness, both literally and figuratively. 

Even at the hardest times they were. After they both found out of each other’s struggles with self harm, they were both there to support each other. Both distracted each other from the urges that rarely attacked Jenna and frequently invaded Ash. But she was there for them. And she felt happy about that. 

Until she began doubting that that was all. A distraction. Just a mere way to forget about the awfulness of life and the demons that haunted them both. 

She doubted that their feelings for each other were genuine, and not just some way that they both filled the voids in their lives. Because sometimes it certainly felt like it. 

Sometimes it felt like they weren't even dating. The days were they would avoid each other at school and not text or call each other later on the day. The days were they would barely hold casual conversation. The days were they would barely even say hello. 

And there days were all they did was fight, no matter how irrelevant or minuscule the problem was, they would only deal with it with fights, shouting, insults. They would ignore each other for days. They would pretend each other didn't even exist. 

But then, there were the random days where everything returned to the rainbow and happiness, where they were the lovey dovey couple that loved each other no matter what. The days where they would pretend everything was completely okay between them. 

It was the hot and cold situation that troubled Jenna. She felt overwhelmed by how quickly their relationship could change and it scared her how that would affect them both in the future. She was scared they had rushed their relationship too much. 

But most selfishly, she was scared of the thoughts that once again invaded her, the urges that would consume her at night when she was alone.

The day before Thanksgiving day, she almost gave in, she almost broke her most important promise. She no longer felt safe nor comfortable in her own shoes. And she planned to talk to Ash soon about it. 

But as she laid there with her arms around their shoulders as they stared at Pete, Bren, Geoff and Jack doing the most stupid stuff in the backyard with a loose smile on their face, she realized she couldn't bring herself to do it. They were much too important and special to her, there was no way she could ever hurt them. 

Her focus was abruptly lost when she heard Ryan desperately attempting to shut Tyler up (who, now that she thought about it, had been awfully quiet all day), who in return simply laughed loudly and genuinely. 

It was a nice sight, watching them both laugh (after Ryan realized how hilarious his actions had seem) almost hysterically at something only they could comprehend, as it was something rare on both boys. All of their attentions were snapped then as Brendon excitedly shouted at them. 

“Hey you fuckers! Come have fun with us!” 

“Yeah man! Don't just stay sitting there!” Josh chimed in. 

Ash immediately jumped up in joy, dragging Jenna (much to her hidden annoyance), while Pat, Alex and Aws agreed joyfully as well, joining the rest in the yard and leaving only Tyler and Ryan both looking flustered. Josh and Brendon ran up to them and literally picked up and carried them so they all stood in the yard, some not really wanting to be there. 

“So now what?” Ryan mumbled, fixing his hair after Brendon put him down. 

“Now we play something.” Brendon chirped with enthusiasm. 

“Now what could we possibly play?” Ash asked incredulously, “We're not exactly the most-”

“TAG!” Jack shouted before distancing himself from the rest of his friends. 

“Come on Jack, we're too old for this shit-” 

A choir of “I'M NOT IT!” and “ME NEITHER!” met Josh, as he was the only one left to say something. He smirked before running behind Alex, who was standing beside him but was faster than him. 

All it took was a couple of seconds for them to be running around the Wentz’s big ass garden playing a kid's game while laughing and smiling, feeling as if they had never grown up and met their demons. 

Jenna looked around as she ran from Geoff, and the absolute lightheartedness in their faces and aura was enough for it to seem normal. It was much more than enough for her to believe they were all okay, and all of their troubles would be okay. 

But she knew better than to expect everything to be sun and light, she knew better than to forget the storm strikes when you least expect it. 

She didn't even know how it happened or  _ when  _ it happened, but suddenly there was red smeared all over Josh’s hand. There was red smeared all over Tyler’s light grey hoodie, the sleeves staining the rest of his clothes with the horrendous color. 

“Tyler.” A broken whisper escaped Ryan’s lips, who was staring at him in agony as a single tear fell down his cheek. 

They all wore expressions of horror, shock and panic thrown together in a blender creating a mess of emotions.

Tyler's was the most desperate one, as he realized one of his deepest secret was all but that now, his eyes holding incredible distress and hysteria, darting from one expression to another. 

He stopped on Josh’s face however, taking in the revulsion in his eyes, as agony sparked in his own. 

Before Jenna could do or say anything, before anyone could get over the shock, they saw the frightened figure of Tyler turn around and run into the woods behind Pete’s house. None of them followed, completely paralyzed in their place. 

Jenna was the first to overcome the surprise, falling to her knees as tears streamed down her face and a gut wrenching cry escaped her lips. 

_ Tyler.  _

_ Tyler.  _

  
**_Total word count:_ ** _ 3,036  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here you go! I really hope you like this one, I really put so much into this chapter and particular, and like I said before I'm actually proud of this one, a lot.
> 
> Now before anyone says anything, I know I made Jenna's and Halsey's relationships seem very nice and happy last time it was mentioned, but relationships are like that, they're not supposed to stay happy all the time, and I even put some of my personal feelings in there, so many of what Jenna is saying she feels is actually genuine because I felt it with my ex. If you feel it doesn't make sense or something, I'm sorry, I'm not the best at wording.
> 
> And sorry for that somewhat cliffhanger, I'll hopefully update on Mondays and don't worry I have everything perfectly planned :)   
> Thank you for reading! I'd really appreciate it if you commented what you thought or left some kudos!


	8. Hide from Everyone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A sudden ringing made them all jump in surprise, especially Josh, who fished his phone out of his pocket. He checked the ID, scrunching up his eyebrows in confusion before he answered the call. 
> 
> “Debby?”
> 
>  
> 
> Chapter Title from Friend, Please by twenty one pilots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This time I'm delivering earlier :)  
> Also just so you know, all of these ships are non canon, and honestly they will always be non canon, I respect and I actually love all the girlfriends and wives these band members have in real life, this is just for entertainment purposes!  
> Trigger warning: anxiety, hinted self harm, sligh hint of abuse. Nothing too bad this time.

_Who will make me fight?_

_Drag me out alive?_

_Save me from myself._

_Don't let me drown._

**_Drown,_ Bring Me The Horizon**

 

**Chapter 8**

 

It had been hours since Tyler had sprinted towards the woods, and none of them had found any sign that he had even been there. 

They had left Jenna, Ash and Josh at Pete’s house. Jenna had been sobbing desperately, for the first few hours, but she suddenly stopped, completely numb and simply staring ahead at nothing, refusing to talk to anyone, even Ash, who had subsequently stayed with her. Josh had been furiously trying to get the blood out of his hand and locked himself in the bathroom, refusing to talk to anyone like Jenna. 

They checked everywhere, the woods, his house (where no one answered the door actually), the school, even the nearest restaurants and cafés. But he was nowhere to be found. 

They were all anxiously sitting in Pete’s bedroom, everyone trying to comfort each other. Alex laid in Jack’s chest, attempting to calm himself as his boyfriend whispered sweet words in his ear. His thoughts were destroying him, tearing him apart. 

He couldn't help but feel guilty, like he ought to have known Tyler had too face awful demons, troublesome enough that he would be led to hurt himself. He ought to have helped his friend. 

They had all grown so close to the small boy, Alex could see the hurt in all of their eyes. 

Two weeks

A little over two weeks was enough for them to grow attached to Tyler, despite most of them not wanting to exactly because of a situation like this. Worry settled like a wave in the room, but they all kept of thinking of where he could be. All but Alex, who was too busy tearing himself apart, and Jenna, lost in the thoughts of her own. 

“Maybe, maybe we didn't search well enough?” Brendon nearly shouted, his words coming out in the form of a question, “Maybe we just need to go search again?” 

Brendon was just looking for a small way he could make the others feel better, but he wasn't truly expecting them to feel better or be optimistic. They did though, it almost served like a spark to light up their hopes again, no matter how doubtful and rather insignificant his words had been. 

“We could search the woods again- split up!” 

“Search the school better and nearby places- it's still a little light outside we have enough time!”

“We're going out again-” 

“You know full well there's no point in searching in the same places again.”

The voice surprised them all, for none of them expected to hear from him soon. But he stood in the doorframe, tear tracks down his cheeks and puffy eyed. Josh walked towards the couch where Jenna and Ash sat and carefully took the blonde girl from the youngest’s arms, enveloping her in a hug. 

Alex watched them curiously, never having contemplated them in such a tight embrace. While Jenna was one of the warmest and most loving persons ever, Josh tended to be very closed and reserved, not often showing this intense amount of care in his actions. He guessed the situation called for this much expression though, not judging the pink haired boy for a moment. 

“We need to try something else,” he continued, after pulling away from Jenna, but with an arm over her shoulder, “there's gotta be something else we can do, somewhere else we can look for him.”

His voice broke in the last word, showing how much pain this caused him, as he lost the grip of self control for a moment before returning to his facade.

Despite everything else running through his mind, Alex couldn't help but wonder when Josh had become so close to Tyler, they hardly ever hung out, mostly settled for normal casual conversation and simply didn't seem to have a deep connection. 

But here was Josh, trying to keep the tears and hurt at bay, trying not to show how much the situation affected him, extremely unusual for him. 

Silence fell all over again, seemingly absorbing the hope and positivity from them. The silence was too loud, drowning everything else down. Thankfully Ryan broke the silence, but nothing enthusiastic left his mouth. 

“He could be in the hospital for all we know.” He whispered staring blankly at the ceiling from where he sat on the floor. 

“Don't say that Ryan!” 

“You don't know that!” 

“But we don't know he's in a safe place either. I'd rather have him be at the ER than lost and cold somewhere in those woods.” He continued numbly. “It's not safe for bim to be alone in the woods.” 

His words did nothing to calm the raging fear in their hearts, Alex was afraid nothing would. They were all afraid. 

But a sudden ringing made them all jump in surprise, especially Josh, who fished his phone out of his pocket. He checked the ID, scrunching up his eyebrows in confusion before he answered the call. 

“Debby?” he asked puzzled, with an equal look on his face. Not even two seconds later, his face went from confusion to panic, his eyes widening in the process. 

“Woah, woah calm down- wait, what?-” Josh froze in his place, making alarm bells ring in Alex’s head, “- can you tell me how he looks like? Yes! Yes! Debby I'll be right there, please don't do anything! No, no I know him, please-” he stopped to laugh in actual joy as tears came to his eyes again, “-oh god, I'll be right there- yes, Debby, I'll see you in a bit.”

He couldn't contain his excitement as he hung up the phone and was met with the confused and perplexed looks from his friend. Alex held his breath, not fully wanting to get his hopes up in vain, scared of what Josh was yet to say. The pink haired boy barked out a laugh, before finally saying the words they had all been dying to hear. 

“We found him.”

 

××××××

 

Josh practically ran out of Pete’s house, impatient and anxious to see if Tyler was okay. 

His original delight of finally finding him melted away quickly, transforming into intense worry that infected them all in a beat. 

He was in dire need to see him and hold him close until every single bad thought left his mind, until every single voice telling him to hurt himself shut up. 

He couldn't understand why he felt so affected by the day’s occurrences, sure everyone was worried for their friend, but something physically struck Josh and told him Tyler had to be okay. Something in him felt drawn to Tyler and made him shitless scared of his well-being. Something made him care for the younger boy more than he'd ever done, which actually made him feel rather terrified, but he chose to ignore the thoughts and feelings, choosing to follows his gut instead. 

He would have ran to Debby’s house if it were for him, but Brendon stopped him before any of that was possible. 

“Dude! Stop!” he shouted, grabbing his forearm and turning him to face him, “We don't even know who this Debby is, much less where she lives!”

_Oh, right._  

“Uh, Debby is my neighbor, she lives a couple houses away from mine, let go please,” he pleaded, not liking the hard grip on his arm. Brendon noticed his discomfort and let go of his arm. Josh was ready to bolt for his house again but this time Awsten stopped him. 

“Man! We'll get there much faster if we drive! C’mon let's just go.”

They all divided into groups to ride in each of the three cars and in a matter of minutes they were already hurrying down to Josh’s house. 

Josh’s knee bounced up and down in his place in the copilot seat, his mind portraying every escenario in which Tyler was seriously hurt and in horrible pain, which caused him to whimper slightly. Luckily, Ryan, who was in the backseat, broke the silence. 

“How come we've never heard of Debby?” 

Josh thought for a moment before mumbling a reply. 

“She's never really popped up in conversations and I didn't think she was someone you guys needed to know about…” he faltered for a moment, before continuing, “...besides, she's also my ex, we dated back in middle school for a couple months before we realized we just weren't into each other.”

That was a way to put it, and in reality he hadn't truly lied. They did broke up because they weren't into each other, but they weren't into each other because neither was really into the _opposite gender_. But nobody needed to know that. Not yet anyway. 

Only Debby was allowed to know Josh’s little secret, and only Josh was allowed to know Debby’s. 

It wasn't that he was scared of what his friends would say, obviously not, hell, most of them had already come out and everyone was okay with that. But he wasn't ready for the comments the kids at school made. He wasn't ready for his father to find something else to comment on, either. Staying quiet about it was the wisest choice. 

He shook his head, forcing himself to focus on the most important matter. He'd been lost in his mind for a while, and a certain numb feeling settled over him. He didn't know how, why, or what he was feeling before, he suddenly just felt _tired._  

They arrived at his street in a matter of minutes and although he wanted to bolt out of Brendon’s car and into Debby’s house, his legs wouldn't let him. He felt paralyzed, not sure why, a cloud covered his mind, making his thoughts foggy and slow. Jenna did what Josh wanted, literally running out of Patrick’s car before the boy even finished slowing down. 

Josh’s head cleared out at seeing the desperate blonde girl, and jumped out of Brendon’s SUV along with Bren and Ryan, joining Jenna in her lost stance in the sidewalk. Fortunately, Josh did know where Debby lived, and he jogged to her door, messily ringing the bell and knocking at the door simultaneously. 

The ginger girl opened the door with an alarmed expression, wide, fearful eyes and a mess of a hair placed in a bun. Still she looked as beautiful as always. But that was not the case. 

“Hi, nice to see you, woah,” she stared at the other 10 teens in her porch, “I didn't know so many people were coming- hi, I'm Debby, but come in, he's sitting outside.”

They followed the ginger girl to her backyard, where, true to her word, Tyler sat in the biggest chair of the set, curled up looking at the flowers as he sobbed quietly. His clothes had been replaced, and he now wore a black hoodie and loose jeans. His face was red and puffy from crying, his bloodshot eyes dull and miserable as tears left marks down his cheeks. 

But it wasn't his looks that hurt them the most. It was the sight of a seemingly large bandage on Tyler’s forearm, peeking just under the sleeve of the hoodie. They were looking at him in despair, even Debby, who had only met the small boy that day. 

Not surprisingly, Josh was the first to surge forward, falling to his knees in front of Tyler’s chair, and gently reaching out to grab him by the shoulders, to which the boy looked startled, but looked at him nonetheless. 

“Hey, hey, it's me, you're safe, you're okay.” He whispered, pouring every once of hope and positivity into his words. “Everything will be alright, okay? We'll keep you safe and sound, we'll make sure you're safe. We'll make sure you get better, but we're not mad at you, no one is mad at you, we love you.”

The smaller boy just stared at him brokenly, tears still leaving his eyes and sobs still tearing his throat. Josh got up slowly, getting closer to him until he was just an embrace away, but he was waiting for Tyler’s permission. Permission the small boy granted by laying his head in his shoulder. They embraced tightly for an unknown amount of time, until Josh realized the rest of his friends were standing there awkwardly. He let go of Tyler gently. 

“There's more people who want to see you.”

Ryan followed after Josh, whispering words to him before enveloping him tightly. Even through their pain, they all let a sigh of relief at the sight of the boys wellbeing - for now. 

Debby’s mom came outside with them, and Josh went to her and her daughter's side, greeting the woman tenderly. 

“Oh, darling,” she said warmly, “I'm sorry about what your friend is going through, but I must say, you're very lucky Debby has a big heart, ‘cause I was about to call the police, but this little girl right here-” she turned to glare softly at her daughter “-told me to wait a moment, talked to him, convinced him to come here somehow and we cleaned him up.”

“Thank you so much, ma'am, Debs.” He said genuinely, joy and relief filling his heart. 

“Now, I don't have much knowledge on medicine or anything, but there were various cuts on the young man’s arms, and I would recommend visiting a doctor or something. We would have taken him ourselves, but he freaked out the moment we mentioned the police and the hospital.”

“I'll make sure he gets some sort of attention, ma'am, thank you again.”

The woman left them to their business, deciding to stay inside and watch them from the dining table. Josh turned to Debby, who smiled weakly at him, and he gave her a tight embrace of her own. 

“Thank you so much for saving him Debs, we were all freaking out about him when you called me.”

The ginger girl snorted as tears started to well in her eyes. 

“I was freaking out _myself_ , Josh, I don't know what came to me to be honest, I just felt like I needed to help him.”

“I'm so glad you did.”

We both turned to look at Tyler, who was now in Jenna’s arms- well, Jenna was more in Tyler's arms, but the affection was still there. Josh beamed when he saw a weak smile form on the boys lips, as his heart swelled with happiness. Debby quickly noticed the warm look in his eyes and stared at him curiously. 

“Tell me Joshie, do you happen to feel something for certain brown haired boy or have you changed sides, because honestly I would understand if you swung the other way for that girl.”

Josh choked on his own spit. 

“Of course I don't have a thing for Tyler _nor_ Jenna in that matter! They're both my friends, and not _that_ close actually.”

Debby simply nodded at him and turned to look at the pair of friends, to which Ash had also added. 

Quickly enough, all of them had embraced Tyler, and although the boy looked completely wrecked, there was also a twinge of hope in his eyes. Soon enough, Josh was saying his goodbye to Debby and her family, thanking them all once again. Although he was basically two houses away from his own, he still offered to take Tyler to his place, as did about everyone else. 

In the end, as everyone else left, he hopped on the truck with Ryan and Brendon, who both lived nearby him. Before he was able to leave however, Josh held him close again. 

“Hey, no one will press you into telling what's going on in your head or in your life, but I need you to know that you can trust us, and we'll do anything in our power to help you overcome your troubles.”

The smaller boy turned to the ground shyly. 

“I wouldn't really want to bother anyone, I- I'm not good at opening up.”

“And we won't force you to in any moment. When and _if_ you're ready, you can tell us - tell me anything that's bothering you. We got each other’s backs, we fight for each other’s well-being. I'll fight for yours.”

Tyler stared at him in awe, lost for words, so instead of trying to actually say anything, he hugged the pink haired boy one more time, this time more fiercely and holding more value that the last one. 

“Thank you, Joshie.”

Both boys blushed slightly at the pet name, but Josh shrugged it off with a nervous laugh, as he said to said goodbye to his friend once more. He watched him- them leave as he walked the short path to his house. Before, he had an amazing idea.

He desperately ran after Bren's SUV, yelling and calling out for them. Thankfully, Ryan noticed him in the rear view mirror, and frantically yelled at Brendon to stop, who did with a scared look in his face (he hadn't noticed his best friend running in the middle of the street). 

When they noticed him running like a maniac, Brendon put the car on reverse so he could meet Josh halfway. 

"What the fuck is up with you dumbass? Someone could have ran you over!" Ryan glared at him furiously, eyes full of care nonetheless. 

"Well," Josh panted, "I- I had a brilliant idea. So do you think we can stay over at one of your houses or- or can you stay over  at mine?" 

Tyler turned to look at his thighs from the moment the words left the pink haired boy (concerning him if he was honest), while Ryan shook his head in disappointment. Brendon on the other hand, had a hopefull smile on his face. 

"I'm definitely up for either, you know that!" he grinned mischievously, "We could stay up watching movies and having snacks, baby! But I'm not sure if my mama's gonna let us have one tonight?" 

"Well my house's empty," Josh inquired, "ya know my family goes all the way to Ohio for Thanksgiving dinner, they're not coming back today. I'll only text my mom. Gimme a sec."

After a couple unpleasant seconds of conversation with his mom, Josh smirked as his joy basically radiated off his body. 

"Come on, she said yes... kinda."

Brendon and Josh looked at the other two hopefully. Ryan shrugged half heartedly. Tyler took out his phone with trembling hands.

"My dad doesn't really care if I sleep there or not so I don't see why he would mind if I stay at yours."

They turned to look at Tyler in the backseat, who breathed unevenly and bit on his lip as he stared at the screen with a mixture of hope and anxiety in his eyes. After a few second, he inhaled sharply before letting out a breath in huge relief. He looked up at them with gleaming eyes.

"My dad said yes."

That was all it took for Brendon to shout out in excitement as he went back a couple houses and Josh walked back to his house with one of the most genuine smiles in his face.

This was definitely going to be a wonderful night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloo, I need your opinions, I have no idea if regular people actually read this but I need to know whether it's okay if I include Debby Ryan in this, I have amazing plans for the story line that have to do with her and I'm excited about it, but people seem to dislike her for some reason (I personally love her), so just let me know what you think about that and the chapter in general!  
> Lmao I changed the ending cause I wanted to do something bit it didn't work out with the last ending and yeah lmao... I'm already working on the next chapter. Revelations are coming ;)  
> I hope you all have very nice days.


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